Jul 11, 2011

On how to please a suicidal spider

 Maxi: Target (Thanks Me-chelle!!)    Blazer: Yesstyle         Shoes: Thrifted      Belt: Thrifted    

Usually my morning events go as such. Right as I get to the best part of my dreams (whether it be some secret agent butt kicking or a make out session with Matt, don't deny that you don't have make out dreams) my alarm clock goes off in an unpleasant fire truck siren sort of EEEEHHH OOOOHHH EEEEH OOOH.  I drowsily begin to pound my heavy uncoordinated floppy fingers over my clock, over and over again until it stops. Ten minutes later (or what feels like twenty seconds in sleepy time) it goes off again and after pretending that I can't hear it  for one minute (a girl can dream that one girls loving husband might take pity on one sleepy girl and turn the alarm clock off) I roll over, give my back a little cat stretch, turn off my alarm and head to the bathroom to shower.  

Before showering I stare and poke at my swollen little balls of eyes and wonder how the heck they can get so puffy in a matter of hours. Most of the time I just pretend that I'm Rocky and that I've gotten into some crazy cool fight (but we all know that these eyes are just tired, not wicked awesome). Then I hop into the shower and my usual day ensues.

But yesterday I woke up, finally got to the mirror, gave my puffy eyes a disoriented smirk as usual ...and then did a double take (not because I didn't recognize myself or anything, that would be ridiculous) but because something was not looking right. I took a second glance back in the mirror, then again to make sure my visually impaired contact-less eyes were really working. And then I started  poking, poking and gawking at these big red itchy bumps. Bumps ALL OVER ME. 

I quickly think of last night. Was I by chance abducted by aliens who released a giant swarm of mosquitos on me? Were my dreams about collecting honey with the pie maker from Pushing Daisies real? Am I dying?! I come to the conclusion that yes, this is what death is, RED, SWOLLEN and ITCHY. I figure that before I knock on death's door I better text Matt (who's already at work) so that he knows that I love him...BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY that if he captured a hive of bees and then released them while I was sleeping, now would be the time to tell me.

Me: "I'm DYING."
Sir Matt: "That's weird?"
Me: "I have red little dots all over me."
Sir Matt: "I will lick your wounds."
Me: Silence
Me: "Wow. Well that really wasn't how I thought that would go."

  Matt was of no comfort (not to mention his stranger than a creeper response) so I went to my  Google friend.
After google-ing the words "big red itchy things all over my body" "I'm so itchy" and "nude colored heels" (completely irrelevant to the bites but more relevant to the fact that I WANT NUDE HEELS because they'd make my legs look hecka long) I think I have solved the itchy mystery of the puffy eyed Sarah. It had to be a spider (chills down my spine at a sneaky long legged, hairy spider crawling around in my sheets).

But I ask you this. What kind of spider has that much hatred for mankind? I mean that thing must have bit me twenty times. Did his parents just get divorced or something? Did some exterminator just kill all of his loved ones? Was it a suicide mission? After reflecting on this anger filled spider i came to a realization. My bites were completely symmetrical. I mean seriously cheek for cheek (I'll let your imagination fill in what kind of cheek I'm talking about) symmetrical. He must be a tortured artist! No one appreciates his work (it must be true)! 

So what can I do to bribe this spider to stop making me his art work? Last night I purposefully left my paints and brushes out in hopes of appeasing him. It worked, no new bites today, but I fear hey may get bored. I'm thinking tomorrow night some water colors for the misunderstood lad. Then Friday perhaps my sewing pile that needs fixing? In the mean time pray for my red itchy self.

* Oh and also, it's decided, I'm "that" blogger.  I'll be responding to all of your witty little comments via the comment section from now on. Thanks for all the advice ma peeps.

19 comments :

  1. Ew. I hate spiders almost as much as I hate Centipedes. The biting kind are just ridiculous.

    Hello, I'm Jill. Found you through Modly Chic. You seem to be both funny and stylish, therefore, I now follow.

    Hope your day (and your bumps) gets better.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Um...ick. I don't know how on earth you got back into that bed without checking every crevice of your room and spraying each inch.

    On the other hand, you look BEAUTIFUL in that yellow maxi! I love it especially with the striped blazer. I NEED A STRIPED BLAZER.

    Come take a look inside A Working Mom's Closet

    ReplyDelete
  3. i think you're onto something...one night you need to leave out a human ear for the spider JUST for good humor...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Funny you should post this today, I woke up this morning with 5 mosquito bites on my right cheek. . . no, not my face. My bum!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ew, spiders!
    The Matt and you conversations are HILARIOUS. Your posts are so entertaining and your style is fab :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sara: You are a genius....a gosh dang genius. Only where to find an ear....I need to think this one over.
    Jill: Welcome to the blog my friend!
    Tara: 5 mosquito bites...were you perhaps in a nudist colony over the weekend. 5??? On your cheek???

    ReplyDelete
  7. Omg, that is scary! Spiders freak me out as it is....maybe he will continue to spend his evenings painting from now on to save you from any more bumps! Love the blazer over the dress. Link up if you get a chance to show off your layers here on Many Layers Monday

    ReplyDelete
  8. i am dying right now over your conversation with matt. HILARIOUS!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lol, "I will lick your wounds" I'm cracking up over here. Very cute yellow maxi dress. Are you linking your outfit to Everybody, Everywear "Yellow Day"?

    ReplyDelete
  10. oh me geez! That is the creepiest thing eva! I am terrrified of spiders and all of their kinfolks too. Blechhh.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ah! That reminds me of when I pulled off my hat recently cuz someone wanted to see the stitching and there was a big ol' spider INSIDE.
    Poor Sarah.
    Props to your funny husband though.

    ReplyDelete
  12. i ADORE that dress!!!

    spider bites suck. my friend used to get ones that looked like giant welts on her arms! it almost looked like she was getting abused or something!

    caroline - pictures & words

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yikes. That brings back nightmares of waking up one morning during girls camp to find my tent ceiling overed in daddy long legs. ICK! But I love your outfit and all your outfit makeovers. I wish I had that talent with a sewing machine!

    ReplyDelete
  14. &so I must be dealing with a frustrated mosquito...not artistic, just frustrated. how on earth did you manage to cover the bumps up? :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oy vey, that spider is bad news.

    I was once bitten on my legs by a crazy mean spider and got orange sized lumps. It was my first day of 10th grade! I was crushed ;-(

    ~ B

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ewwww I feel your pain :( I've been bit by spiders before and each time I've needed shots to keep the swelling down... My hand had become the size of bicep and I could feel shooting pains up in my neck!

    Cute look!

    ReplyDelete
  17. What an interesting morning you had. Where's the picture of all the bites? Matt's reaction is also priceless.

    Did people complain you answered the comments via email or what?

    ReplyDelete