I was not going to talk about this. Really, I didn't want to speak a word of this on my blog. It's one topic that makes me cringe because if not talked about just right it can be taken the wrong way and do more harm than good. Just know that I have the best intentions in writing this post. Now that I have thrown that out there, I really feel that something needs to be said.
I kept receiving numerous comments from readers over the past year. They would all go something like this.
"Good for you for having a fashion blog even though you don't have the typical perfect body. Keep up the good work!"
All of these comments were written with the best of intentions, I know this, yet they were written with a specific underlying theme. The theme that if you weren't a certain size you weren't as pretty and desirable as other smaller girls, somehow it made me feel like I was worth less than other people.
All the while, when these comments started to become more frequent I began training for a triathalon. I did not decide to do a triathalon to lose weight, it was simply something that me and my sisters decided would be fun to do together. My triathalon training required that I work my body very hard every.single.day. I was determined to meet my goal. To do something I'd never done before. And because of my rigorous training I began to slowly lose weight.
Once again I began to receive comments.
"Have you been losing weight, you look so good!!!!"
These comments were nothing but the sweetest of compliments, and I'm still so grateful for all the encouragement and compliments from all of you sweet girls. But once again. in my twisted mind, all I heard was that my beauty was found in a number. In a waist measurement. That my worth came from what size I was. That I was only beautiful if I was skinnier.
The fact of the matter is that I've always had an athletic build. I've never been the typical skinny girl and for years it killed me. I was never content with how my body looked. I hated my body. I looked at it as if it was a plague. How terrible is that, I hated the most beautiful gift that God has given me.
And then the one time in my life that I wanted to accomplish something just....because, having nothing to do with wanting to change my appearance, here was this issue of my body confronting me once again.
I'm going to be honest. I still struggle with accepting myself as I am. And I have a long way to go before I reach that point.
But for others out there that might be struggling with the same thing as me, I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are beautiful! And no matter how you might feel about your body right now, remember that you are you unique and beautiful because of what you bring to this world, not because of how your body looks in clothes, or whether you can see light between your thighs, or how big your waist is. You're beautiful because you're you!