I've been short on words lately. And you all know by now that that is just not me. And I think it's because I really haven't been able to talk about what's been weighing on me. So here's me pouring out my soul, to you. Please be kind and gentle with my heart will you. So let's go back to where it all started shall we. August.
A Fact about August: In August I started to get a little itchy.
You know the need for a change itchy. I wasn't really sure what the itch was though. I just needed something. That's when me and Sir Matt decided to get our little Indie. She was just the cutest you know. Fluffy and cuddly and just never stops loving you. Oh Indie brought so much to our little family of two. Indie filled a little hole in my heart, she really did.
A Fact about Indie: While she is just what I needed, and perfect for our family. I still felt itchy.
Fall went by and I needed something. It was like I was always thirsty and I could have a tiny drink from a water fountain but never a big honkin' gulp from a glass of water. But until I knew what this strange feeling was I really couldn't do anything about it. Could I?
Along came December.
A Fact about December: December scared the crap out of me.
I knew that my time at school was coming to an end. I thought multiple times about delaying graduation because I felt so terrified about leaving...about going into the real world. Even though I couldn't shake my fear I started applying for jobs. After no replies and promising interviews left undone I decided to leave it alone and enjoy my Christmas Break.
A Fact: I was at my Grandma's house, neck high in a bunch of patterns and vintage fabric when I got the call.
My grandma had taken me down to her old sewing room and was showing me all of her sewing treasures. Moments like these are always my favorite. Me and my grandma just sat there, with vintage patterns scattered all over the floor, she started telling me stories about the kinds of things she used to make.
A Fact About Me and My Grandma: I found out that day that me and my Grandma are a lot alike. We love to create. To create beauty from nothing. To feel like there are never any limits. To feel like the world is ours for the taking. Yes, I felt close to my Grandma that day.
As we sat there talking about sewing techniques and all of our favorite things to make my phone rang. And I knew exactly who it was. I'd been called and told that I'd gotten the job that I thought I had absolutely no shot at in the world. I ran up the stairs and jumped into Matt's arms. I was so happy. I didn't need to feel scared of what was coming next. My family came in the room to congratulate me and hug me and as I was filling my excitement with hugs there that itch was, as itchy as ever. And the dryness in my throat sunk deep into the back of my neck. Something still just wasn't right.
I'm telling you all this because it took me seven freaking months of thinking and thinking until my little noodle couldn't think anymore, until I finally figured out what this itchiness is all about.
Facts about why I was so dang itchy all the time: 1. I got Indie because I really needed something to love and to nurture. 2. I was so afraid to be done with school because I knew that a big change was coming, and I had no clue what that change was. 3. In my sewing class I was assigned to make a little girls dress and when I took the dress home I hid in my room and cried a little bit because I knew that there was no little girl at home to give it to. 4. I treat Indie like a baby, because I want a baby. 5. Holy crap it's so weird to say that, I want to have a baby. 6. I'm ready to be a mom.
This is a huge thing you guys. I've never felt like this before, or at least known that I feel like this. But here's the catch.
A Catch About Why My Itchiness Just Can't Be Scratched Yet: While me and my Sir Matt are just so excited, we just aren't ready....yet. Our lives just aren't anywhere near to where we need to be in order feel ready to take that exciting next step. Matt will be in school for at the very least another year and a half. AT LEAST. Somebody needs to bring home the bacon if you know what I'm saying. And Matt having the very best opportunities through school is our number one priority right now. Thus leaving me as, the bacon bringer home-er.
A Fact About Where This All Leaves Me: This is why I've felt so weighed down lately. So drained. I'm so excited to be a mom, so excited to start a family, AND I JUST CAN'T...for right now. I feel stuck. Motionless. Like I'm swimming in drying glue. And I've come to a conclusion. It's always been a struggle for me to feel completely happy and in the moment. I love to look forward to what's coming next. But in order for me to be truly happy through this agonizing waiting time, I need to learn to be happy with where I'm at. Happy with where my life is right now. And to be honest, I feel like this is my last big lesson to learn before I can really be ready to be a mom. And dangit I'm going to learn this lesson if it's the last thing I do! So here's me telling you that I need a little bit of help and adivce. I still allow myself to feel excited, to think of what being a mom will be like. But at the same time I just need to relax, and take every day as it comes. And love every minute that me and my Sir Matt have together.
So yes. I suppose those are the facts. And this is me saying that today I'm very happy with where I'm at in life. And I'll take on tomorrow when it comes.