May 15, 2012

In Which I Rant About The Bachelorette....And It's Only Episode One


 1.Who wanted to puke in the directors shoes by how ridiculously staged this whole episode was. They’re getting worse you guys…..or they think we’re getting dumber. I don’t really care to know which is true. But can we talk about how Emily tucks her daughter in mid-day and little Ricki says, “I’m grateful for love.” You know what I would have done as a kid, why little Sarah what are you grateful for, “I’m grateful for that delicious cookie you let me eat tonight mom!” That’s what I would be grateful for. And did anyone notice that the sun was really bright when she tucked her daughter in, perhaps an afternoon nap? Meh I don’t care enough to find out.


 2. Let’s all have a moment of silence for Chris Harrison and the fact that he was wearing his wedding ring in this episode….and is now divorced. Maybe Chris and Emily can hook up this season?! Please I wouldn’t put it past them.


 3. Holy crap-sicle people. Emily is twenty six and her daughter is like what…12? Okay maybe that’s a high guess…10? 14-16 when pregnant? No judgement here. Just stating a possible maybe fact-ish. And also, Emily looks great but she does not look 26, my official guess was 31.


 4. The guy from Salt Lake Utah…you know the one that looks like he popped out of Grease and returned from his mission last week? Baby face Jef with one F! He was skateboarding in Provo in his video. You guys I walk there all the time…which practically means I’m famous.


 5. Did one of those guys just confess to having 6 kids…within his first sentence to Emily. Yes he did. Also…guaca-MOLE.


 6. Why has no one ever presented me with an Ostriche egg that they will use as a metaphor of how they will guard and protect my heart. 


 7. Yay boom box man! They’re trying to get a bit of Jersey Shore action over here on The Bachelorette! Was Emily paid to keep him on just one more episode so we could see him make an even bigger fool of himself? I give him one more episode. Dance Jersey boy dance!


 8. Mr. Suave, you know the one that would only talk in Spanish to Emily. What’s the dealio with the neck mullet and his TERRIBLE diamond stud. He looks like he’s about to sail out into the open seas and get scurvy. People. Slim pickin’s on this season am I right?!


 9. My gaydar went off at least 10 times throughout this episode.


 10. The fitness model taking off his shirt in the end. I CANNOT. “Why wouldn’t you want me with a body like this?” Who would want you with a personality like that?? Oh sweet heaven give me strength to make it through this season. There was so much crap going on that I didn’t even mention that a full grown man dressed up as an old woman to meet Emily. An old woman…with a cane…and a wig…and a dress…and then he tried to tear it off like he was Superman. But he wasn’t strong enough to tear it. Alas give me strength to bear this.

21 comments :

  1. i'm dying.ha! glad i'm not the only one with a running commentary like that while watching. one more thing..... "who has two thumbs and is going to marry emily- this guy" or wait... she said gracias back to a man speaking portuguese! or... "the name is charming, prince charming".

    so awesome! let the terrible waste of an hour of our lives begin!

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  2. ahahaha i know exactly what you're saying! The dancing boom box dude needs to leave. right now. and I liked Charlie. not the hottest, but he was just adorable. I've never watched the Bachelorette before. I've always scorned it. Watched one episode, now I'm probably going to have to watch the whole season...
    ~Sarai

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  3. oh my gosh, you hit it right on the nose! This season is going to be brutal - let's hope we all make it through okay lol.

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  4. Please tell me you will do weekly commentary?
    I am glad I wasnt the only one that had similar views on the opening episode! Gah!

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  5. Don't forget the man claws came out when Richie Rich came in on a heli. Meow!
    I always find it funny when men act like highschool tweens with their 'drama'. Real men don't act like that.
    Such a pity because I think Emily is the only contestant I've actually liked.

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  6. You're SO funny. Oh my goodness.

    Emily seriously cannot be 26. If in 6 months (when I turn 26), I look that old, there is no hope for me in my 50s!

    My favorites were: JEF (haha), Ryan, Charlie, Aaron (solely based on looks, as I don't recall him speaking), and Music Michael (if he wouldn't mind chopping off his disgusting hair.)

    <3 The Daily Dani

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  7. Oh my gosh :) I have no watched the episode but this makes me SOOO excited to watch it! The bachelor/bachelorette is something I love to hate! haha, it used to be legit for 2 maybe 3 seasons now like you said every season gets more and more scripted! But I have to say I am SOOO sad to hear Chris Harrison is divorced! I did not know that and he is possibly my favorite part of these shows! I love him! :) Thanks for the awesome review, I sincerely loved it! I hope you do this every week!

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  8. ahahahah! I KNOW what you mean on ALL points! but we're addicted to the franchise, no matter how much I complain and lament about it. hahah. At least Emily dresses really cute and that's a big part of why I like to watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Jillian is still my fave.

    xx Vivian @ http://diamondsandtulle.blogspot.com

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  9. I love these descriptions! Because of you, I just spent half an hour reading each dude's biography on the Bachelorette website. Oh, the shame! Michael and Kalon are pretty cute, please tell me neither of them gave her an ostrich egg. WEIRD.

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  10. I swore I wouldn't watch this season, but after reading this I basically want to witness the ridiculousness you describe.

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  11. Oh my gosh Jenna it's a complete waste of life...but go watch it!

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  12. Okay, now I have to watch! I LOLed when you said your gaydar went off! I think the type of guy who'd usually sign up for Bachelorette type stuff is metrosexual, which is easy to confuse with gay sometimes (at least for me)! And I agree - she totally does NOT look 26. Definitely more like early to mid 30's... I don't know what it is, but she just looks older.

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  13. The one man from my state to make it to the show (not that I give the show two licks of my time) WOULD come with an ostrich egg. I mean, really...

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  14. WHy is this the longest show on television? Seriously, its agonizingly long.

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  15. ok this post was HILAR. Pure hilarity. Like I'm talking LOL-inducing. Cheers Sarah darling, to the entertainment value your blog serves me :).
    -Shannon
    http://gbofashion.com/

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  16. ok, so I totally did the math when I watched it...she's 26, and her fiance died in 2004..she found out the next week she was pregnant. I'd say the little is about 8?

    my favorite part of the bachelorette is the previews of the season at the end of the episode--all those cutaway frames of tears and "I am so freakin' mad right now!" and "I'm so in love I can't stand it"...they just pull you right in!

    and it's amazing how many minutes of air time can be completely wasted on the rose ceremony...cheap tv right thar!

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  17. HAHA, great re-cap! :) YES I agree with the staged business. The ostrich egg? is it going to go rotten?? I'm pretty sure it'll start stinking up the house. Unless he goes home next week. anyway. slim pickings is right.

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  18. I just peed my pants. Haha. So FUNNY!

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  19. i had no idea that Chris Harrison got a divorce! Kinda funny? Hahaha.

    And yes, she does look like she's in her early thirties. and i dont think she's THAT gorgeous. like i mean she's SUPER hott, but she's very all-american, nothing super special kind of deal. there are tons of women that look like her, ya k now?

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  20. Totally agree Emily, she has a very pageanty look about her, she's pretty don't get me wrong. I just don't prefer that look.

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  21. You are now my best friend because of this post.
    I think I said ALL OF these things while watching this episode. Haha

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