1. That welcome home banner that said “Welcome Home Mom” was probably made by some poor ABC intern that spent his Friday night in a sea of glitter and bedazzles. Just saying. That was not made by a little girl that thinks dragons still live in castles.
2. Sean kisses like a dog, just sticks his toungue out there and hopes it’s well received.
3. Could Chris and Emily’s reunion have been more awkward? Chris just stood there bobbling his little twitch yead and looking you know…like a devil snake and Emily pops up behind him. Surprise devil snake! Surprise! That was dumb.
4. They keep seating families like they are at the last supper. Unfortunately Chris, this will be your last supper with the Maynard.
5. Chris’ dad is polish to the max! Gold chain, slicked hair, thick accent. Polish to the max people!
6. Chris’ family party was so staged. “Oh don’t mind us, we have polish jig parties every day of the week!”
7. Ugh Chris’ confession of love felt like one of those kiddie haunted houses where they make you stick your hand in a bowl of grapes and tell you it’s eyeballs…it’s just wrong people…it’s just wrong.
8. K so a friend of a friend is friends with Jef (can that be any more vague) and okay I’m just torn because apparently he’s a total stuck up douchey douche in real life. And I just like him on tv. But then he goes and wears pimp daddio necklaces and I’m like….oh yeah I could definitely see him being a total sauce face, but then he goes and writes sweet letters and fondles his grease monkey hair and makes some witty joke and I’m like douche necklace what??? I FORGIVE YOU!!! The end.
9. Jef’s family is just so….dare I say….mormon. Their family is a bountiful number, the girls are ridunkulously gorgeous, and their parents are “committed to charity for two years” why oh why is nobody talking about the fact that Jef one f and his family are Mormon. Hello, people, throw the Mormon card into this party and I bet the show will get a ton more interesting. Just saying.
10. I shall now provide you with Mormon translation for everything Jef’s family said 1.“I totally believe you can fall in love really fast” Mormon translation: We all date for two months and then get married. 2.“So we’re just wondering if you’re values match up.” Mormon translation: Emily are you open to coming to church and getting baptized??!!
11. Jef has just written the letter that every woman in this entire world wants a boy to write for her, like WOAH, even if you’re a secret jerk, DANG YO, THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE.
12. Can we all agree that Aerie’s family speaking dutch was so stupid and rude. I kind of like Aerie less each date.
13. Aerie’s mom had a serious case of botox lips and leather skin. Emily this is what you have to look forward to in ten years if you keep tanning yourself to a state of oompa loompa orange. Sunscreen saves lives people!
14. That playhouse for the little girls is nicer than my house…no but really, and it’s kind of becoming an issue. Like friggin’ five year olds in Texas have nicer playhouses than my stupid apartment. Yeah, I’m not bitter or anything, whatever.
15. Okay I knew the whole Sean setup was a joke, perfectly bitten into cookie placed on the dresser…a plethora of stuffed animals just hanging out in the room. And who wouldn’t clean their room for Emily Maynard’s
teeth ponytail hot bod.
16. Snake eyes went home! Hoooray!!! All is right in the world again. But can I just say that Chris was totally one of those kids that threw a temper tantrum and always got what he wanted. But thank goodness it didn’t work this time“Waaaaaahhhh I want to be the winner.” Yeah well suck it snake eyes, now go buy yourself an upper lip. Sorry that was mean. But I just really wanted to say it, and well I have no self control, so there’s that. Oh and can I get a picture of those snake eyes up in here one more time?!
17. If we’re talking about the perfect match for Emily just based on history, family, culture, you know the important stuff Sean is your man. If we’re talking about the man that knows how to give Emily a proper saliva bath, Aerie’s the guy for her. If we’re talking about who can say the perfect things and crack a dang good joke, Jef one f is your guy. I’m just feeling really confused right now. I need a Jef one f letter to console me!
Guys, it's fantasy suite time next week. It's 'bout to get Maynard hoodrat cray cray up in here!