So yesterday I was at Wal-Mart, and here’s the thing about Wal-Mart, I avoid it at all costs. I’m talking I will resort to using my dog’s shampoo and I will start using paper towels as Kleenex’s as long as it delays my trip to Wal-Mart. Because the thing about Wal-Mart is that inevitably you will a) see someone’s butt crack b) wander the aisles aimlessly wondering what you even needed in the first place c) buy mounds of processed junk food that you KNOW you don’t need d) have an old man hit on you e) almost get run over by an electric cart riding aggressive shopper f)spend a minimum of thirty minutes in the checkout line or g)all of the above.
So yes, I avoid Wal-Mart like the plague.
Where was I? Oh yes, so I’m at Walmart, and I’m trying to find sandwhich bags. And as I was contemplating zip lock, equate or tweezing my arm hairs one by one until I cried like a fetus, and I noticed a man in some serious daisy dukes, I’m talking the pockets hanging out of the shorts and everything, and I’m thinking dangit, if he reaches for the top shelf, option “a)see someone’s butt crack” can definitely be checked off. So I grab equate, because who am I kidding, I’m cheap and I turn to Matt and say, “Do we have everything we need?” and Mr. Daisy dukes pipes in and says, “You have everything I need….” And I’m thinking crap I knew I should have let my dad buy me a pepper spray key chain for Christmas. So I say to him “Ha.” The kind that says, I’ll entertain your terrible sense of humor but I don’t think it’s funny, and then I turn to leave. Of course Daisy Dukes pipes in again, “No but really, you have everything I need, you took my cart.” I looked down at the cart and of course there were zip locks, a pair of camo shorts and some jelly belly’s…..NOT MINE!!
He laughed a creepy laugh, like Julia Roberts if she were a dude wearing daisy dukes, clapped his hands together and I let go of the cart, put my head down and as I power walked it out of there said, “SORRRRRRYYY!”
So now I have one more reason to avoid Wal-Mart h) I might run into a man wearing daisy dukes and remember that I once saw his butt crack and then tried to steal his cart.
Moral of the story? Target or die!!!!