That tiny little onsie came back to me in the mail today, and I think my mom has psychic powers. I mean I know she has psychic powers. Somehow she knew that I needed that little piece of magic that I felt that day, just a tiny little piece of that day to let me know that everything would be okay.
I'm terrified. And that doesn't take away an ounce of my happiness, or the fact that I know that my greatest calling in life will be to be a mother. But somehow admitting that I'm terrified and stressed and sometimes a bit miserable seems to make people terrified for me.Which I get, but let me just explain.
Matt and I weren't planning this pregnancy. Shocking right. I mean, obviously Heavenly Father knew we weren't going to get our butts in gear and planned it for us. We were thinking sometime around summer of next year, when Matt was done with school and working full time, when I could have good health insurance, when we could have saved up a bit more. When, when, when. And then all of our plans just disappeared and there that big word was. BABY. I was ecstatic, I am ecstatic. But that doesn't change the complete and utter lack of control that I feel, the feeling that whether or not I'm ready this baby will be ready. The fact that big giant scary healthcare bills are coming that we weren't/ still aren't prepared for and they are coming whether we like it or not, the fact that I have zero control over my body which seems to fail me way too much lately.
And I guess I just need to express that, because I think to really feel the happiness you need to let yourself feel vulnerable and scared out of your mind too. I've never felt such a force to give my will to the Lords before, because I know without a doubt that this is the right time and that He knows that I'm ready for this giant responsibility, He knows my fears, He knows my inadequacies and He still knows that I can do this. And that in and of itself is a little bit magical wouldn't you say.
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that this whole having a baby thing isn't always roses, but that also doesn't make it any less beautiful.
Oh and Mom, thanks for sending me a little piece of the magic today. If I can give just a little smithereen to my little of what you have given to me, then well I think we'll be just fine.