A Little Piece of Magic


I don't know where to start, and when I don't know where to start that means I have a lot to say. So I guess the beginning is as good a place as any. When I found out I was pregnant I realized that my mom was coming into town the very next weekend and I just could not wait to tell her. I mean I literally had to avoid all of her calls because I knew that if we started talking I would spill, I was filled to the brim, my cupeth overfloweth...ed. Matt and I went to Target and found this little white and yellow elephant onsie, just seeing how tiny it was and that in a short 7 months I would have a teeny tiny in my arms, it was unfathomable. We were sitting out in the yard and I told my mom I had a belated birthday present for her. The second she opened the wrapping that little onsie flew so high into the sky and the next thing I knew we were both just screaming and hugging and crying. If I could capture that moment, that little white onsie floating against the bright blue sky and my arms wrapped tight around my mom. That moment was magic, just magic. A little piece of magic that I won't quite experience the same ever again.

That tiny little onsie came back to me in the mail today, and I think my mom has psychic powers. I mean I know she has psychic powers. Somehow she knew that I needed that little piece of magic that I felt that day, just a tiny little piece of that day to let me know that everything would be okay.

I'm terrified. And that doesn't take away an ounce of my happiness, or the fact that I know that my greatest calling in life will be to be a mother. But somehow admitting that I'm terrified and stressed and sometimes a bit miserable seems to make people terrified for me.Which I get, but let me just explain.

Matt and I weren't planning this pregnancy. Shocking right. I mean, obviously Heavenly Father knew we weren't going to get our butts in gear and planned it for us. We were thinking sometime around summer of next year, when Matt was done with school and working full time, when I could have good health insurance, when we could have saved up a bit more. When, when, when. And then all of our plans just disappeared and there that big word was. BABY. I was ecstatic, I am ecstatic. But that doesn't change the complete and utter lack of control that I feel, the feeling that whether or not I'm ready this baby will be ready. The fact that big giant scary healthcare bills are coming that we weren't/ still aren't prepared for and they are coming whether we like it or not, the fact that I have zero control over my body which seems to fail me way too much lately.

And I guess I just need to express that, because I think to really feel the happiness you need to let yourself feel vulnerable and scared out of your mind too. I've never felt such a force to give my will to the Lords before, because I know without a doubt that this is the right time and that He knows that I'm ready for this giant responsibility, He knows my fears, He knows my inadequacies and He still knows that I can do this. And that in and of itself is a little bit magical wouldn't you say.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that this whole having a baby thing isn't always roses, but that also doesn't make it any less beautiful.

Oh and Mom, thanks for sending me a little piece of the magic today. If I can give just a little smithereen to my little of what you have given to me, then well I think we'll be just fine.

 

27 comments:

Jess said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

i loved this. you are going to be the best mama! also those pics of you? girl, pregnancy looks stunning on you. xoxo

Brooke F said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It is terrifying and the whole process wasn't even beautiful to me. When I was pregnant I suffered from every problem under the sun and all I became was a carrier to my little parasite sucking everything from me. And then after agonising C sections I had my children. And suddenly all those nights of lying awake and imagining all of the worst case scenario's (I'm a good one for that), all that feeling revolting and gargantuan, well it all just seemed not important. Suddenly the magic happened. Holding my children was the most miraculous thing that has ever happened to me and whilst I am still often terrified (and frustrated, and confused, and angry), I can somehow get past all those negative emotions and focus on the positives. I have two beautiful, crazy, adorable kids and everything else will just sort itself out. Good luck and try and enjoy the ride you are on.

Rhiannon Lorenzo said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

gorgeous post!

www.modernsuburbanites.blogspot.com

Lauro said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

and your post was just what I needed today. while I am incredibly excited to be 7 months pregnant and expecting a baby in a few short months G-d willing, i am also feeling terrified. i know that people tell you that even if you don't know what you are doing before you have a baby, once you have the baby, you'll figure it out all out naturally. but that's so scary. I like to plan ahead. if i am not ready for something, i may not have the confidence to go through with it. but this baby is coming no matter what. my belly is growing, the baby is kicking, thank G-d and it's happening.
like you, the timing of my pregnancy isn't the most convenient. but that's what G-d wanted for me and my husband. thank you for your post and your words about how having a baby is always beautiful, even if it isn't always the roses.

Sara Jolie said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

hang in there! it is tough but it seems like you have family that will be there to help you, and not everyone has that

Emily said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I have to laugh because lately I've been wondering if God is going to speed up my inability to commit to a baby by giving me the "accident" kind of baby. Anyway, it's easy to think about happiness in black and white, but it's not. It's totally normal to be happy AND terrified. Confusing, but normal. Congrats on your little one! It looks like you two will be great parents. :)

Jannatul Rahamoni said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

:D

Emily said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

What a beautiful post! Being scared is totally normal, but meeting your little one and becoming their mom will feel totally natural. Seriously the mothering instict kicks in automatically and you will just know how to take care of that beautiful babe. You just take it one step at a time. Gotta say...epidurals; those babies are b-e-a-utiful! After that labor and birth is a breeze.

Aysha Farooqui said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Beautiful post! Thank you for sharing in on your little moment of magic :)

I hope it all goes well and cant wait to read more!
- Aysha @ www.thecreativemuslimah.blogspot.com

Lauren said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love your blog so much. I'm so tired of reading fake-ness all the time; about how everythings so wonderful and nothing is ever scary or stressful. Motherhood (fatherhood) is terrifying...and magical at the same time. My girls (from a previous marriage) are 6 and 4 and now my husband wants to try to get pregnant next spring. All I can think of is "8 year old, almost 5 year old, and a 'teeney tiny' ". On the outside I'm like...YAY! (on the inside I'm like Ahhhhh!!!!). Just so you know, the big picture will be amazing. Hard, tiring, sweet, stressful, more sweet, exciting, crazy...but amazing. Good Luck! I can't wait to read more.

Brooke said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh this has got to be my favorite post you've ever written. Beautiful and honest and well written and straight up TRUTH. Everything you said resonates so strongly with pregnancy, as well as real life! There are moments that will thrill and terrify us all, and THANK YOU for reminding us all of that. You are darling and beautiful and I'm so so happy for you guys. Thank you so much for sharing all this!

JEN said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This post almost made me cry! What a precious moment that you will be able to remember forever. And way to be real girly, that's what make you a truely gifted and loved blogger. P.S. Best Mom ever!!!!!!

Glenna Lagazo said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This post was so beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing!

Glenna

little miss said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Wow, this is such a powerful post. Thank-you so much for sharing and I wish you only health and happiness on this path to motherhood.

trinketsandtalmud.wordpress.com

Ruth Maldonado said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

With my first I was terrified. How will I have money for things? How will I put her to sleep if she just cries? How will I want to know what she wants? I had fears over having her inside me when I was pregnant. Then afterwards everything fell into place. There were some crazy moments and it still can get scary (she is now 2 1/2) and it can take awhile to adjust, but in the end everything comes together and it might take awhile after she is born to get those warm fuzzies every mother is supposed to get (I thought it'd happen right away but it took awhile) but it will come! Hope all continues to go well and glad everyone is healthy so far!

Ruth
www.mylittlenest.org

phobabett said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I am very happy for you both! I also think things will work out the way they were meant to be... Even if it is stressful. Anyway.... Hopefully there will be some Baby D.I.Ys coming soon!? ^_^ maybe... and by maybe I mean I really want to see some Baby D.I.Ys... Pleas!!!! ^_^

Emma Frances said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Moms are the best. They always know just what to say/when to say it. You are going to be one of those moms! :]

Ana from Sweet Serendipity said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I feel you Sarah! ;) Thanks goodness for amazing people who can support us through this hard yet happy process. In the end I just keep in mind that it will all work out and that the end result is just so so happy. a BABY!! Hugs.

Meagan said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I have a one year old "surprise baby." She is my first too and we weren't planning on getting pregnant for another year or two. I know she was sent to us to shape our lives. Our lives are so so so different than they would have been! I love my little best gal. You are going to do great! Relax! It's better for both you and baby! Everything will work out and you only need a carseat, diapers and your boobs! Everything else is a bonus!

Colleen McCloskey said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I very much enjoyed this post.

I remember a post of yours awhile back about how you wanted a baby but it just wasn't the right time. When I read that I thought of the doctor telling me that no time is right and I should just do it. She said this to me about 5 years ago. Clearly I didn't listen.

I told my mom via google hangout. THey were coming to visit the following week. I guess I could have told them in person but it was stressing me out because I was so dang lightheaded I had a lot of trouble cleaning for them so I wanted them to be warned. My mom's reaction was "not another december birthday" and then her second reaction was that of congratulations. apparently all the december birthdays is so crazy that my hygientist had to tell me to tell the dentist about it when she came in to check my teeth. (in case you are curious on my dad's side of the family including my brothers there's Dec 17, 21, 30, 30, Jan 1, Jan 3, and then I think an jan 7 or 8 or something around there. Then my husband's family had Dec 23 for his mom and grandmom. But to me his side of the family is worse because there are only (or were only 4 people to choose from) now there are some step siblings to bring that ratio down.)

Ashley Bagley Nielson said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

this was beautiful!

Anna @ IHOD said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Hi dear!
I read every word of this. How wonderful is your mom! I feel the same about mine.
And you know, I think every mother and mother to be has those same feelings. Am I cut out for this? How will I know how to raise and care for them? Am I enough? Those feelings come and go every month for me. However, you are right....its a beautiful process at the same time. I have never been stretched so much in my life, but have never been so happy.

Know you are not alone, and God will give you all you need one day at a time:)

natalli said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Ya, the anxiety with my first was OUT of control! Then when he was 9 months old, I thought "hey, I could handle another one", and... 9 months later we have twins and an 18-month-old (does Heavenly Father have a sense of humor or what?) and now the fear/stress all over again. I think it just means we care a lot, which is good It is so scary at first, but you'll be amazed how quickly those mommy instincts kick in. I just try to keep reminding myself that we can't screw them up too bad as long as we really love them and teach them to love God and others. And feed them. Don't forget that ;) You'll do great.

Beverly said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Love love love this post, God always knows what it's best for us. Same thing happen to us, unfortunately the feeling of being terrify will not go away, you'll be terrify thinking you are not doing a good job as a parent, but God knows we're all trying. Just stay connected to the Him and you'll be fine! Lilly is now 5 <3

Emily Mayes said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This is such a wonderful first post to read! I look forward to being able to follow your adventure!

Jessica Walters said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I just found your blog and I just love it! This was a touching story and it makes me so excited for when my husband and I have a baby. The truth is, I don't think we will ever be ready to know that we are pregnant with our first child! Best of luck to you, I will definitely be following for now on:)

Jessica
www.afternoonstyle.com

Candace Groberg said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

This is such a lovely post. Thank you for sharing! I really enjoy your style and your blog. Beautiful pictures and beautiful words.
http://simplyluckylife.blogspot.com/

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